There’s something good, something healthy, about doing one of these end of the year type posts, that i hadn’t really thought of until i started working on it over Christmas in Denmark. Even though it’s a lot of work and turns out messy and what’s the point even, and ugh, it forces you to really look at the year. Like, really look at it, because you need pictures, right? And while we have a tendency to just focus on the positive when deciding to capture a memory, i also tend to document the hard times, and even when confronted with those, and there were a lot of them, i couldn’t help but look at this year through an overwhelmingly positive lens.

I mean, i launched my business. Overcame, or at least confronted, some of my biggest fears and imposter syndrome, and learned a hell of a lot by doing. I uncovered a lot of trauma, as usual, especially about holding back when it comes to sharing myself and my gifts. How it could have felt unsafe to do that in a past life, and how that makes me hold back in this one. And oh, i’ve had so many lives even in this lifetime, there’s bound to be some work to do when it comes to breaking the habits of people who aren’t me anymore.

Related to that, i spent almost three months in spring letting some guy play me. Hear me out! It wasn’t because i couldn’t see the situation for what it was, but because i realized that to break a pattern this stubborn, i had to act it out one last time and observe my own feelings and reactions neutrally, so i wouldn’t be doomed to repeat them. It worked. A friend told me about the project that i was both the subject and the therapist carrying out the experiment. I like that description.
Another pattern i’ve worked on breaking is feelings of unworthiness. And as a result, not allowing people to help me, or love me. There’s a part of me that feels deeply unworthy of love and affection and admiration, so in the past i’ve chosen partners and sometimes even friends who affirmed those beliefs. And i shrug off genuine appreciation and compliments as people just trying to be nice, instead of trying to accept that what i bring to the table, both in terms of work and my person, may be real and valuable.

Not a pattern, but still something that had been holding me back, was my love for a person from my past i hadn’t seen in years. I’d promised myself that if i ever did again, i would tell him i love him, no matter the outcome, no matter the fear. When the chance presented itself unexpectedly, i didn’t flinch. In an act of being true and vulnerable with myself, i did it, professed my love to someone, knowing that they couldn’t possibly return it, and while speaking, while opening my heart, realizing that reciprocation wasn’t the point. I won’t say what the point is, it’s different for all of us, but the act set me free in a way i thought would finally release me from feelings that held me back from finding true love, but in actuality set me free to love myself deeper and realize i’m in no rush to enter into a relationship, i’m actually good by myself. And the love for him? Didn’t go away, never will, but it’s not a love tinged with the longing to be with someone, it’s just a warm feeling in my heart that tells me i’m capable of truly loving and admiring someone, and that brings me comfort.

That this encounter happened just a week after i lost my dog was probably a bit too much for me, and the days and weeks following were hard but somehow this second “loss”, the loss of an imaginary future with the man i loved, helped me cope with the very real loss of my best friend, and the shame i felt, and still feel, from letting the sleepless nights and vet trips sometimes get the better of me, and not always being in control of my temper and my reactions. I’m still working on forgiving myself for not being a better mom to Lucifer when he needed it the most, and that’s something i’ll carry into the next year. Forgiving myself daily, even and especially when i feel that i don’t deserve it.

I reached a healthier balance of solitude vs time with friends and dating, and became more discerning of where i spend my energy and with whom. When you heal, the pendulum will sometimes swing in the opposite direction of where you came from and stay in that other extreme for a while, before it’s able to swing back down to the middle, and if 2020 was my other extreme; extreme isolation, extreme spiritual work, rigid boundaries, and intense healing, 2021 is where i found some kind of balance. My hope for the next year is more community, more solidarity, more shameless self expression, more financial abundance, and more love. Always love.

I never know how to write these posts, how to wrap up a whole year, even a weird short one. Even the second weirdest one of them all. But i did try to, you know, organize this a bit. So i decided to do a little monthly overview with just three pictures per month: one of me, one of Lucifer, and one of something i did, or created. And one piece of writing, either from my phone or transcribed from my paper journals.
And a great big photo dump at the end because three pictures per month was a bit naive for someone as obsessed with visual documentation as me, and the people who made this year special for me didn’t necessarily fit into the format i’d created!

So this is a bit long, you’re used to that, and it probably contains a lot of typos that i will come back to fix later when i’m not so pressed for time. And the layout is a bit different because i’ve been spending a lot of time in WordPress this year, but i hope it still manages to be an enjoyable read, especially for those of you who’ve been reading my blog since i started publishing as princess inferno some 12-13 years ago. I am most grateful for you in ways you can’t even comprehend, and i wish you, and everyone else reading the happiest new year and a prosperous, healthy and joyful 2022 <3

January

From the iPhone journal:

Grief is hard and I think a lot of covid deniers aren’t so much in denial of the pandemic, as they are about their own feelings. If you don’t know how to handle tough emotions like grief or deep sadness, probably because you never learned, it’s easier to just suppress them and turn towards feeling like anger, denial, or blame instead. If you’re always angry at the government or Bill Gates or a virologist or whoever for making you do something you don’t wanna do, you’re too busy to look at what you lost. And anger feels good, it winds you up, makes you feel righteous and fueled, instead of making you feel powerless. Acknowledging loss can. And we’ve lost a lot. And it’s ok to feel sad about that. 

February

From the iPhone journal:

Artemis. I read about her in a book, and my takeaway was, even gods can become codependent! The story reminded me of my last relationship where I became so consumed with another person and their comfort and feelings, that for a while I forgot to water my plants. Healing is just peeling away layers until you get down to the person you were before the conditioning and the fitting in took over, and a core part of my healing is finding my way back to a person who knew she was enough, and didn’t need another to feel complete.

March

From the future self journal:

I’m working on being triggered by unsolicited advice and feedback. Feedback I didn’t ask for reads as criticism for me. Deep “not good enough” wounds. I can handle it in some situations, from some people, but most of the time I get highly defensive and agitated. Today it came up in the form of having put SO MUCH work into something + being completely alone and vulnerable in the work and presentation thereof, and then having someone go “well, it’s not perfect, look at what I, a smarter person in this area, was able to find in terms of flaws and mistakes!” It felt like I’d weaved this massive tapestry, and someone pointed out one loose thread and then acted like they did me a favor by pointing it out. Without an invitation, my mind will read feedback as an attack, and my body jumps into survival mode. I could go into perfectionism, trauma responses rooted in childhood, and the need to over explain and manage perceptions, but having explored all this before, and knowing exactly where it all comes from, I’m just gonna allow myself to be mad as hell for someone crossing a boundary with me, and extending so much love to the hurt and scared child within me who didn’t feel truly seen or validated when she needed that the most. You don’t have to earn love anymore. You are enough and I love you, unconditionally.

April

From the future self journal, a conversation with my inner critic:

Critic: You’re unattractive and you have too high standards to ever find a partner!
Me: Ouch! I don’t think I’m unattractive, neither do my friends. Who told you that?
Critic: Everyone! You don’t fit any beauty standards with your ugly skin and that one wrinkle everyone notices. Men just wanna fuck you because they think the tattoos + your age means you’ll do weird shit.
Me: Ok, again, ouch! Maybe there have been guys like that in the past, but that’s why we have standards now!
Critic: But no one will ever meet them! They’re unrealistic! You’re damaged!
Me: I hear you, my skin type has been labelled “unclean” by the world for so long by the world even I started thinking I was dirty and undeserving. But all of that is slowly changing! People with acne can still be pretty! It’s a very common condition!
Critic: Yes, for young people maybe, but you’re old, and your body isn’t perfect either, so why would anyone date you?
Me: I understand, but is anyone perfect, or do we just think they are because we’re conditioned to compare and compete, and we’re too busy always criticising ourselves? And do you really think age matters that much?
Critic: Yes! You probably can’t even have kids, and in a few years you won’t be cute anymore!
Me: Ok, so you’re afraid of aging and not looking cute anymore. Me too! But hey I look a lot better than I expected at this point in my life, I still have some cuteness left in me! And I can use this time to cultivate other qualities in me. Being cute is not my only good quality, you know?
Critic: Yes, but you know that men are intimidated by your other “qualities”.
Me: Yes. Shitty, weak men are. Do we wanna be with another one of those?
Critic: That’s all there is, especially for you! Your pond is a lot smaller than before, and you need to settle! You’ll be alone forever!
Me: Shit, you might be right. But I still don’t think I should settle. I’m quite happy alone, all things considered. I think I want someone who treats me right, or I’d rather be alone.
Critic: But you’re such a loser who never has their shit together! You’ll probably never get to live your dream life without a partner to help and support you. You’ll never be able to move to Portugal alone!
Me: Maybe not? But I wanted to have my own apartment in Berlin and I made that happen. Alone! And I was nowhere near as independent then as I am now, so don’t you think it’s maybe possible that I can do anything alone?
Critic: Maybe. But I’m lonely. I don’t want to be alone forever. You’re wasting what’s maybe your last really attractive years being celibate and isolated!
Me: Aha! So you admit that I’m attractive?
Critic: …
Me: …
Critic: Ok somewhat but it’s running out!
Me: You don’t know that for sure! I am taking good care of this vessel! And I don’t necessarily want to be alone forever either, so I get it. Hugs?
Critic: Ok fine. Hugs.

May

From the iPhone journal:

Whenever I have a day where I’m feeling lost or lonely, unworthy of love, or like I don’t matter, anxious or scared or depressed, like it isn’t safe to be the real me, or that I don’t even know who that is, I try to remember that I used to feel like this every day. This used to be my life. Now it’s just a bad day. That’s progress. That’s huge. And that means there’s always something more to look forward to. 

June

From the iPhone journal:

I dreamt that while blackout drunk, I made the best art of my life in a big sketchbook, that I showed to Martin the next day. I was embarrassed because I’d had a fight with R over the phone while I was drunk, and I only knew because of the paintings. Over one page it said “He Just Laughed At Me” in translucent, white letters. 
I noted that the drawings and paintings had no inhibitions. It was my best work and I didn’t even remember doing it. 

July

From the iPhone journal:

Being in nature is always good for putting your problems in perspective. Not in a “your problems are meaningless in comparison” kind of way, but in a “your problems are a part of this vast tapestry of life, and doesn’t that make you feel kind of connected? Doesn’t that make you feel kind of ok?”

August

From the future self journal:

Feeling itchy and wrong today, without knowing why. Maybe because I’m going home, maybe I suddenly feel unsafe, like I don’t really have a home?
I look forward to being home with my dog, looking around my apartment with fresh eyes, resting somewhere between comfortable familiarity and the need for unfathomable change.
As I write, I remind myself: I am safe no matter where I am. Home is within me.

September

From the future self journal:

Last night my best friend died. His body died in my arms and then slept one last night, motionless and lifeless, in my bedroom with me, and today we went and had him cremated. There’s more to it that I’ll get to later, but right now I am overwhelmed with regret. I think it was too soon. Or, I think it happened too fast from making the decision to have him put to sleep, to it actually happening. I don’t know if he was ready, but I wasn’t. I don’t know how long I needed. A week? A month? I was never going to be ready, but I needed more than mere days, I see that now. And yet I went along with this sped up process, out of compassion and logic, but also partly because of convenience, which kills me. And because the grieving in advance hurt so much, I thought I could bypass it or at least speed up the grieving process by “just getting it over with”. And now my dog is dead. Dead and cremated. I don’t even have his beautiful, soft fur to touch, or his little cold, dead paw to hold in my hand. There’s just ashes and more pain than I thought possible. I made an effigy from his zebra toy and his Totoro costume because I miss holding him so much, and now I’m wondering if I’m actually losing it? That can’t be normal, but it feels like him and I need him back so bad I’d do anything to reverse this and have one more day with him. Wake up and kiss his nose and hold him steady while he drinks. And hug him. I hope I’m not going crazy or having a breakdown, but this was too much. Even with support, I’m not sure I can handle this. I’m not sure I’m that resilient.

I feel like the sadness and longing is attacking me from within.

October

From the iPhone journal:

Yesterday I was reading my own blog, and this post about overcoming really severe depression back in 2019 helped me remember that I already have all the tools I need to make myself feel better. Tried and tested by myself in another dark hour, I know they work, I just have to decide that I’m ready to implement them and save myself again.

November

From the iPhone journal:

If you have high expectations for people, but you don’t tell them what your expectations are, you’re setting them up for failure, while setting yourself up for a broken heart.

December

From the iPhone journal, when trying to honestly explain to someone why i don’t think meeting people off dating apps right away is actually saving valuable time:

I agree time is valuable, I just have a different perspective on time. Me sending messages over the course of a few weeks or however long, that’s not time consuming to me at all. It’s something I can do while I make art or rest or work. It’s seconds, it’s nothing, we all text all the time. Me taking an evening out of my schedule to get ready for a date, maybe put on makeup, potentially going to another part of town to meet, then being present in the moment with that person for however many hours. That’s valuable time to me. And if that person is not aligned with me in a way that I could have easily discovered through a bit of texting, that’s when I feel like my time has been wasted, and my energy drained. Which is also why I use this app only, it saves me time trying to find out if someone is aligned with my core values and politics at the very least.

Friends, family, flora, fauna