In the midst of winter, i found there was, within me, an invincible summer
So here’s the thing. Great start, i know. About a month ago? I’m not sure because time moves strangely this year, so could have been a few weeks, so let’s just say “one rainy day, not too long ago”. One rainy day, not too long ago, i woke up and checked my phone, as i always do, but this time it crashed. I spent the morning chatting with apple support, attempting various resets, but nothing worked. My phone is essential to my work and my life, and so it not working felt like i was physically injured. I’m sure some of you have felt that feeling. It feels… unsafe. We are already cyborgs, in my opinion.
That day i had a doctors appointment in the other end of town, so i was quite stressed, but i managed to drop it off for repairs and pick it up before heading out to Steglitz with my now fixed, but unfortunately blank, phone in my bag. You see, the guy wasn’t able to save anything, and due to my own procrastinating ways, i had run out of both phone and cloud storage months before, so everything was gone. Photos, notes, writings, chats. The chats hit me the hardest! Some i’d had with my friends for 7 years, all of our inside jokes and wisdoms and memes. And the one with the ex boyfriend, also going back years, that i wouldn’t look at, but still found some comfort in knowing existed.
At the end of the day, well, maybe not the first day, but the second or third, i started to feel some relief. That this happened. While losing all those pictures, those words, hurt, and it did, i had also been set free.
So much of the work i’ve been doing this year has been centered around my attachment. To outcomes, to people, to things, to words, to photos, to memories. You name it, i have an unhealthy attachment to it, and this happening, however inconvenient and sad, really pushed me onto another level of attachment work that i wouldn’t have reached without this happening. Or, eventually i probably would have, but who knows how long it would have taken me. Everything happens for a reason, a cliche for sure, but also a profound truth confirmed everytime you dare ask: “what is this teaching me?” instead of “why is this happening to me?”
So why am i mentioning all of this? Because i’ve had this draft saved for a couple of months, at least since october, and i wasn’t really getting anywhere with it. But i had started to upload photos to the post, too many, in fact, but instead of filtering some out, i kept adding more, as if deciding, albeit not consciously, that this was gonna be a messy, picture heavy post, covering more or less the first lockdown and summer as well. So this post, that i didn’t really know what to do with, has some of my favorite photos that weren’t backed up anywhere else, and were deleted off of my phone on that fateful, rainy day, whenever it was. This post was, without me knowing it, my backup. So as messy as it is, and it’s long and messy for sure, i am grateful it’s here, and i feel ready to share it now.
So, from sometime in october, when i was feeling a little blue, here’s an untitled 2020 roundup:
Seasonal depression, for me, isn’t just the cold of winter, the darkness and the heaviness, the lack of sun and how that lack affects every part of my being and my mood. Seasonal depression, for me, is also the change of seasons. It’s the smells and the sounds, the change of colors, of light. The unique vibes, the “something” in the air. Those subtle but unmistakable changes that, with a moments notice, hurls you into the past. Into situations, relationships, experiences, big and small, moments previously thought long forgotten. Suddenly you’re just… there. In a different time, different country. When you were a different you. Because of a smell or the way the sun hits your face or a chill in the air, you’re there, living them again, unintentionally. That time travel can be a burden and a gift, sometimes simultaneously both. All those feelings, those moments, those heartbreaks and joys. That particular grief, from years ago, the one you thought you’d forgotten. It was this season, years ago. There you are. There it is again.
Maybe seasonal depression isn’t the right word. Seasonal involuntary time travel? Seasonal sensory manipulation? Either way, earlier this month, i was really feeling it. Either way, the beginning of autumn is always a hard one for me.
It didn’t help that summer, which for obvious reasons wasn’t the highlight of the year that it usually is, felt like it was barely there, and over too soon. To me, and i think to a lot of people who call this city home, summers are almost always magical. It’s a time of year we look forward to, build up to. The sweet release, the reward we get for surviving that particular Berlin brand of cold, dark and grey that seems never ending when you’re in the midst of it. I guess we all knew summer this year was gonna be different, because, well, everything is different, but it seemed like even the weather was against us, and looking back, i can only recall a few good summer weeks at most, in between the cold and the rain… so much rain. My birthday, a sunny summer day most years, was spent under a large willow tree, with my friends, hiding from the rain because we couldn’t celebrate inside. In spite of the rain, though, that day was a truly magical, and it’s days like that i hope to remember when i look back on this summer. On this year.
From the iPhone journal, January 17th 2017 at 3pm:
If there’s one thing I know how to do by now, it’s to be alone. And I’m grateful I learned that before getting to this point. Accept and reflect. Accept and reflect. Sometimes I’ve felt, and still feel, that because I’m a person who loves and loves hard, my time on earth is wasted if it’s not spent showering another human being in that love. But I’ve realized I can’t think like that. I have to be patient. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won’t, in the meantime I need to learn how to internalize those feelings so that maybe one day I’ll love myself. And maybe when that happens, I’ll believe that I deserve something better than what life has dealt me so far.
I can now reveal that i wasn’t patient. At all. And if i’m being real honest, i barely knew how to be alone. Sure, i could endure it, but i wasn’t thriving. I had to learn those lessons again and again. I had to keep letting the wrong ones in. I had to keep cooking meals for people who weren’t hungry. I had to keep trying to build houses on unstable foundations that wasn’t meant to support them, in order to get to where i am now.
So where am i? Well for one thing, it’s the year 2020 and i finally love myself. I really fucking do! And i am more patient than i ever thought possible, but at the same time, no longer waiting. I am fully aware of my pattern of codependency and on a continuous path to heal from it. Oh, don’t get me wrong, i sometimes still circle back to thinking i need a partner to feel complete, but that’s ok. It’s kinda like having a song stuck in your head. It’s there, but that doesn’t mean you have to put the album on and listen to it. There’s a difference between having a negative feeling, and building a home in it.
They say healing isn’t linear and they’re absolutely right about that. But the awareness is there. And the self love and commitment is there. And the rest? I observe and forgive.
Pictures are mostly from lockdown and there are a lot, but they all tell a story that i somehow desperately need to tell, so even if i could trim this down, and i absolutely could, they all stay.
In late february, before getting sick, before getting fired, and before going into a much longer lockdown than expected, i had this tattoo done. It was a pretty monumental rite of passage for me, and it still brings me so much joy looking at it every day
One of my last assignments before i quit a job that would soon become more or less redundant anyway
A bunch of baristas and bartenders that just got a certified to work in the food industry. Some of these people had no choice but to leave the country right after we all suddenly lost our jobs and i didn’t get to say goodbye to them
Being sort of used to wearing a mask when sick in Japan, i still had one lying around in early March, and was possibly one of the first people to walk around wearing one. It was not a popular look at the time, but i like to think i’ve since been vindicated
As i started sewing masks for myself and my friends, people started requesting them on instagram and suddenly i had a whole little production going that made me feel useful to my community at that very strange time, and it also paid for my groceries every week, when unemployment benefits didn’t
Weekly grocery and post office run attire, back when i was still quite anxious to leave the house. Since then, numbers have gotten worse, but the situation has been normalized to the point of occasional carelessness, but i still try to take above average precautions
Balcony sunbathing in early spring mornings was so regular that i already had a tan by summer
Even with my shit oven, i mastered the sourdough banana bread. A must-unlock quarantine achievement, and (not to brag but) the tastiest banana bread i’ve ever had
I grew caladiums from bulbs, it was a joy to check on my greenhouse every morning to see new growth
Obviously i had to build a greenhouse! A lot of strange things were built, every day had a project and a theme
I practiced not just self care, but self love. Knowing that how you treat yourself is how you teach others to treat you, i decided to treat myself like a queen, like my best friend and favorite person. And that person deserves breakfast in bed! I read earlier this year, in a brilliant book by bell hooks that everyone should read: “It is silly, isn’t it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself”. I think about that every time i need to be seen, and then i try to really see, appreciate, and celebrate myself, instead of waiting for someone else to do it
I remodeled my kitchen, and as always after a big interior change, i couldn’t imagine how i’d lived before
Something i never thought possible, even though at that point a lot of different birds had made my balcony a neighborhood hotspot, happened: some notoriously shy robins built a nest on a shelf on my balcony. It was very unstable so i secured it when they weren’t looking and was rewarded with a whole family. When the babies started fledgling, one of them even hopped into my apartment. It’s been months since they left the nest, but every day i still check the shelf out of habit. Cohabitating with these birds, however small and simple it seems, may have been a highlight of not just this year, but my entire time living in this apartment
With the world being a dark and uncertain place, and my anxiety being higher than it had in years, i stayed away from regular entertainment and watched only spiritual and self healing videos on youtube, and Miyazaki movies on Netflix
I found a whole documentary series about Hayao himself which i devoured while painting
It’s not that we couldn’t buy things, right? We could, but the idea was to not go to stores unless absolutely necessary so baking was the logical next step for most of us. Foraging was the step after that
Homemade from scratch pizza with foraged wunderlauch pesto and homemade vegan cheese
We all turned to baking in 2020, even me. But this beauty was made by a friend. One thing i loved about the first lockdown was this culture of bartering and sharing. Oh, you have some bread? I got some flower seeds. Someone made kombucha? Trade that shit for a face mask. It was equal parts dystopian and utopian and i was extremely here for it
Very small version of my favorite animal, encountered on a walk in the park with a friend
I made onigiri and took my dog on a hanami at a secret sakura spot in my neighborhood. He didn’t seem to mind
Things that were suddenly normalized in 2020: ACAB… and crocs? Yes, my best purchase of the year was without a doubt this pair of platform crocs that only very recently stopped being my default footwear, and only because of the temperature dropping
My birthday. Usually the weather is great on that date and i was cautiously anticipating a sunny day in the park with my friends. But that day it rained. And it didn’t stop. But my friends still came and we celebrated the day under a tree, together
It wasn’t perfect, everyone still got wet… but also it was. Perfect.
Vegan bday donuts, candles were fanned out, not blown
One of my birthday presents was a boat! Yes, i am an (inflatable) boat owner, and during the summer, when the park was completely overcrowded with people who just discovered this otherwise secluded area, i would just go out in the boat, tie it to a tree in the shade, and lie there with Lucifer (and sometimes Frances) and enjoy not having to worry about other people and how near or far to us they happened to be
Oh yeah and i made a bathing suit! Something i was always too intimidated to even try and sew, and i somehow did it without a pattern. Sewing is probably the skill that came in most handy this year, and i was happy to reconnect with it after so long
Another thing i was always scared to try out: sewing hats! I know, ironic as fuck if you’ve been following me for years and know i used to be a hat maker lol
Frances modeling another version
This was my desk most days, along with a messy list of orders to work on
Spending as much time in the park as i do, means sometimes encountering an injured animal, and this guy cost me a small fortune in cab fare as i had to take him to a hospital in Zehlendorf. It was a great ride though, as the taxi driver and i spoke the entire time (in German no less!) and he was really supportive of me trying to save the duck. That day i also made a friend in the park, something that has never happened before, but since this is 2020, he of course turned out to be a covid denier. We’re still friends, though, although friends with an agreement to not talk about covid. This year, y’all… anyway it was a good day for connecting with both humans and animals. I don’t know the fate of the duck, because the animal hospital i went to wouldn’t give updates on specific animals, but i like to think it made it
I also tried to save a mouse, who ended up dying in my hands after i’d been up all night feeding it every two hours, and really thinking it was gonna make it. I cried for hours after losing it, and really spent a lot of time wondering why it literally landed on my doorstep just to die in my care, but maybe the whole point was for it to not die alone and unloved?
One of the strangest things to happen in an already strange year, and a story that somehow relates to the one with the mouse, is the story of Bob. Some random day, a guy rang my doorbell. I opened and this guy i didn’t know asked me if the green balcony out front was mine. I confirmed that it was and he said “do you want a big plant?” I obviously said yes, and without even exchanging numbers, he said he’d drop it off in the next days, and with me being home more or less all the time, it didn’t seem important to set a fixed time. So i went out for groceries, and when i came home, there was a massive monstera outside my house! I rang my neighbors doorbell and he came out to help me carry it to my bathroom where i swear to god, it took up the entire room. Over the next few days, i bought a bigger pot, then an even bigger one, and had a friend help me repot it, and i was very excited about this new addition to the family. But then it started dying. Fast. I noticed that the stems were broken by the ground, maybe during transport, or during repotting, i don’t know. But i felt intense grief and guilt from basically killing this very old plant that had arrived on my doorstep in such a beautiful and unexpected way. Knowing that it was just gonna keep going downhill, i took cuttings of it, basically rooting all the healthy leaves in water, while leaving a sad looking Bob, that’s what my friend named him, with just one leaf. But now, months later, all the cuttings are doing well and even the one remaining stem that i presumed to be dead, but kept caring for anyway, has produced a new leaf. It’s too early to say if i’ve saved it, and if i have it’ll be years before it looks like this again. But i’m glad i didn’t give up
Needless (hopefully) to say, i was and am deeply supportive of the BLM movement, and the few times i left Treptow, it was mostly to attend protests
My activism this year has mostly been limited to “arguing with people on the internet” and doing what i could and can to raise awareness through my social media presence. It didn’t, and still doesn’t, seem like enough
Photobooth 2020 looks a lot different…
I finally visited Teufelsberg! It is now possible to book tours and make legitimate visits, but i snuck in with a friend, and it was magical! I love climbing, and hiding or running from guards… basically just playing, like i did as a kid. And as an activity and a mood, it also just fit in extremely well with the general dystopian vibe of the summer. This picture of me was taken without me noticing and it sums up my mood pretty well
First time going back to the bar i used to work at in my pre-covid life. It’s wild how much i miss that place sometimes and even without hugs, it was wonderful to see so many people that used to be in my life daily after so long, and connect deeper with some friends i’d been wanting to spend time with for a long time
Navigating what feels ok and what feels irresponsible, and observing my own judgment of others and myself when it comes to what feels ok to do during a pandemic has been… a wild ride. Shadow work territory, for sure. Although i quarantined pretty hardcore for two months straight, i eventually started going out a bit during the summer, and while stuff like this still felt weird, you learn to adapt and justify, and in a way, it can make you more compassionate if you learn to see that others are just doing their best too
Crocs, mom shorts, and positive affirmations!
In late august i finally made the decision to go back to Denmark and see my family. I stood in line for an hour and a half in the airport in Copenhagen for a covid test because i didn’t want to see my compromised parents without one. The mood was, again, so damn apocalyptic, truly an experience
I always stay with Martin the first day or so when i’m in Denmark and the first day is usually late at night in his kitchen, getting drunk and listening to music, and this time was no different! Except this time we were joined by Martin’s new girlfriend, whom i instantly felt like i’d known for years. The next day was all about the three of us biking around, me in this majestic ride, hungover as fuck, trying to find brunch, and running into people i haven’t seen in years cause Copenhagen is so just so damn small
I got to spend a day with my nephews. A lot has happened for my family in 2020 that i feel is too personal to get into (yes, there is apparently such a thing!) but it has all been for the better, and i’m proud of them, and us
I could have stayed a lot longer, but to be honest, i am lucky i got to go to Denmark at all this year
I’d timed it so i could make it to my nephew William’s confirmation party, and i talked my bro and cuz’s into a cute group photo, taken by my mom
My mom making me a ring. This year i also finished the website i’d been building for her, so if you want the same kind of ring, it’s in her webshop
I mean…
I worked on “my house” while visiting, and my mom had the idea to paint these cabinet doors so i did that. I also decided to put my foot down and insist on getting rid of a bench in the living room that was serving as a couch. A tall, wooden, highly uncomfortable couch. In its place i found a nice mid century designer sofa (the things my parents just have lying around, i tell ya!) and the wooden bench ended up in my parents kitchen, accidentally making it the kitchen of my mom’s dreams. Not a bad side effect!
Birthday party at the neighbors house in Bisserup
Just the two of us. One of my favorite selfies of the year, and you know i take a lot!
I did my nails and dressed up even though i usually had nowhere to go
I brought back some plants and rosehips from Denmark and made rosehip body oil from them. Herbalism has been another big theme this year
On the rare occasion i left Treptow/Neukölln, seeing the city felt like seeing an old lover that you really missed. It still does…
Balcony blackberries for breakfast
I had time to do my nails… a lot…
During the two months i self quarantined hard, i kept a list of things i did. You probably noticed it too, the pressure to accomplish, especially in the beginning, before we acknowledged that maybe people don’t have the mental energy to learn fluent Spanish during a global crisis, just because they suddenly have the time. So that’s probably how the list started, from a place of “am i doing enough?” but now, looking back, i just think it’s kind of cute and reflecting a very weird time that’s super hard to explain, even though we literally all went through it. Anyway it’s silly, and it’s one of the things that was written in notes and deleted off my phone, but here it is:
–Stayed home and kept others safe -Adapted to a new world -Grew and regrew my own food -Cooked for myself daily -Didn’t drink much -Worked out every day -Completed a 30-day meditation challenge -Offered emotional support to literally hundreds of people -Called my mom daily -Talked to my brother almost daily and helped him through a major life transition -Started learning new skills such as sewing masks, composting, making bucket hats -Took a life coaching certification course -Cleaned my windows (for the first time since moving in!) and fixed up my balcony -Fed the local birds Sorted out my basement -Repurposed old clothes -Made art and sold art -Worked on my healing -Journaled every day -Made it through sickness and some scary health anxiety -Handled German bureaucracy -Updated my website and made a website for my mom -Got featured on a home tour (that i took all the pictures for) -Was in a movie -Briefly reconnected with my Big Love who i hadn’t spoken to in three years, which was scary and took all the vulnerability in the world, but it was worth it, knowing he was ok -Redecorated (a lot) and cared for my plants and my dog -Learned how to tie dye -Learned to make sourdough bread -Studied three languages every day (unsurprisingly still not fluent in any of them) -Read a book -Spoke German with people when i had the chance -Baked cakes -Encouraged my friends and offered support even when i was feeling down myself -Made shit tons of face masks for free for my friends and neighbours, and some strangers too
For the top photo, and this one, i was modeling a thing for work, because yes, i have a new job! Instead of going back to working in service and retail when Berlin opened back up, i decided to wait and see what else might turn up, and something great did. Photos by Natascha Hamel for Plant Circle.
Sådan et år har sine fordele . Fantastisk hvad du har fåret ud af det.
Kæmpe Kram
Ja det er ikke fordi det ser ud af meget udadtil, men det kan virkelig mærkes! <3