Hi, it’s your untitled blog, you know, the one you read while maybe wishing it would post more than twice a year?
Yeah, that one! Here it is saying happy New Year!

Sometime during the last month of the decade, i was gonna have a new blog post ready for you. Yes i was, and it wasn’t this one.
No, i mean a proper long one, with all the pictures and all the feels. I started writing it a while ago, and at present time it’s kind of an update on how it’s going (great, actually!), the inner work i’ve been doing and how it’s turned my shit around drastically, and of course a 2019 retrospect, cause even though i don’t love those, as some of you know, the post was turning into one anyway.
But i booked myself pretty hard with work all of December, then got sick, probably as a result of all that work, and didn’t have the time to write it the way i wanted to.
So this is not that. Not a retrospective “this was my decade or even year” post, not even a proper blog post.
Just… hi!
I love you!
And i’m so lucky and so grateful to first of all have a forum in which to express myself more or less freely, and on top of that, to sometimes get a message on instagram, or an email, from someone saying they’ve been reading my blog for ten years or following my instagram since day one. And as if that’s not awesome enough, and truly it is, sometimes a kind person will tell me that something i wrote helped them somehow. And i don’t think there’s anything greater than that. That particular feeling of connection. I share embarrassing shit about myself on a near daily basis, not for validation or attention (although i’ll be the first to admit there are days when i need that too), but in the hope that by sharing my life and my journey, someone is gonna feel somehow supported or less alone.
I can’t explain, it’s just the best and because of that, i’m gonna write more in the new year, and no, that’s not a New Years resolution, that’s just a fact and a thing that’s gonna happen.

As for New Years, which is very much tonight and happening right this moment, i’m spending the night home alone for the first time since my first boyfriend stood me up at like 14 or 15 years old (it’s ok, we’re cool now lol) and it sounds so sad when you say it, and you’re not used to it.
“What are you doing for New Years?”
“Oh i’ll be at home by myself. Probably finishing The Mandalorian, you know…”.
It doesn’t taste good when you say it, and it’s awkward to hear it.
But oh, it feels so fucking right, y’all.
As my next post, the real one that i am writing with the pictures and the feels, will explain, i’ve been craving solitude recently, like truly craving time in my own company, and so i’ve been prioritizing time at home, by myself, in a way i never have before. And the transition from being home alone crying over a broken heart to being home alone out of choice and need and purely positive reasons, was probably so gradual that some people think i’m still broken.
I’m not, i’m good, and i’m grateful.

However, as good as i felt about staying home tonight, i still wanted something to happen… something special. But i couldn’t think of exactly what, since i didn’t want to go out.
But the solution presented itself to me two days ago, in the shape of a post on instagram from a tattooer i was following who, as far as i knew, was based in Mexico. Turns out i wasn’t even remotely right about that, but either way, i did at least notice that one of her pictures was geotagged in Berlin, so i wrote her a spur of the moment message about getting my fingers tattooed, and after some back and forth, she fit me in today, after work. And as if destiny wasn’t already being super loud about the whole planning phase, i found out at work today, when i told my coworker about my plans, that her and the tattooer are actually good friends and the girl i just booked a tattoo with is even staying at my coworkers apartment. Ugh. I love life.
Anyway, i sent her a reference picture, and she came up with something even better, and now this is no longer the New Years Eve where i was exhausted from work and didn’t really do anything, this is the New Years Eve where i went and got five of my fingers tattooed, and came home to my beloved Treehaus feeling like my physical state just got one step closer to my authentic self, just as my soul has in recent months.

Now, finally at home after a day that started at 5am, i’m sore as fuck and so damn pleased that past me decided to go grocery shopping for me yesterday, and that she splurged on the not-cheapest rosé prosecco that i’m currently drinking, and a vegan Ben & Jerry’s that i’ll be eating later while watching Star Wars.
And oh, not just that, she also had the foresight to meal prep my New Years dinner last night! What a champ.
As i may have mentioned about twenty times, i’ve had an exhausting couple of days, but i’m happy and sleepy and right where i’m supposed to be, and hey, if i get sad or nostalgic, i got room for that too.