Converge - Flora Amalie

It says a lot about my life that i can only find time to sit down and write when i’m on holiday.

So i’m in Denmark.

I started out in Copenhagen, coming in late at night, Friday after work.

A night on Martin’s couch, and breakfast with Mille.

Then a train to the countryside, with the dog and a much too heavy backpack.

I arrived in Bisserup and saw my two cousins, four nephews, brother and his wife, and my parents in the same place for the first time in… i can’t actually remember?

I held my four month old nephew for the first time.

This is my family, the closest people to me, and most of the time they couldn’t be further away.

I’m sitting in my parent’s living room, never more than an hour away from eating or drinking something delicious.

Always close to a window with an amazing ocean view.

The eggs in the fridge comes from the chickens that are always escaping their coup to roam around the garden, and sometimes the whole town.

We’ve been going for walks on the beach and through the woods.

With my older nephews, i went to play on a swing and run with the three dogs.

We did hilariously disturbing faceswaps on snapchat, and watched the better part of the Eurovision Song Contest, all worried that Australia might actually win.

I was joined by my flatmate who’s never been to Denmark before.

We took pictures. Actual pictures with actual cameras.

I fed the fluffy cows.

Took lots of naps.

I stuck my face into lilac bushes, inhaled deeply, only to be overwhelmed by memories from my childhood.

It’s been a great trip, but not the kind that leaves you well rested, and ready to go back to real life.

It’s a little emotional being with my family like this. Every time i see them, it’s a new version of us.

Older, in different places in our lives.

Broken, put back together.

Some of us are missing from the picture completely, others jump from being kids to adolescents in what seems like weeks to me, cause i’m missing from the picture a little more often than the rest of them.

I think i was naively hoping that being with them would lead to some sort of epiphany about what i should do next.

I think about the future a lot, and i try not to think of the future at all.

There are so many possibilities, so many possible directions, but when i start to think of them, the limitations and obstacles pop up one by one until they’ve formed a solid wall between me and my possible futures.
And then there are none.

Leaving me there, back in my adopted country, commuting between Berlin and Potsdam in some kind of German Groundhog Day.
Except unlike Bill Murray, i’m growing older, older and more rootless every day.

Back in Berlin it’s been hot lately
Like, real summer hot.

Me wearing my Nike slide sandals and shorts while walking the dog in the morning hot.

Summer dresses, and sunscreen, and sitting on the balcony hot.

I go back to that tonight.
That, and bills, and insurance issues, and being a shitty dog owner, and a worse artist, and an inadequate human being.
That and endless commuting, and occasional mind numbing loneliness, not to mention loud noises and bad smells, and…
That and one of my possible futures.

We went inside shortly after, this particular day was just too hot for the dog